


What do you mean ruining your life isn't flirting?

by Make_or_Blake



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Crack, Crack and Angst, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No editing we die like uncle aaron, Religous Commentary, but it sure is something, but the comfort is fighting nazis, fuck it ! ship the pig !, hamnoir - Freeform, its not my best work from a technical pov, okay its not actually romantic but if you really want it COULD be, truly living my dream through fanfiction, warning: emotional (im kidding)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28186929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Make_or_Blake/pseuds/Make_or_Blake
Summary: Based on the trope where two members of the Found FamilyTM are dating and when they tell the others the response is “that was a secret???” but instead of dating it’s just Ham declaring Noir his arch rival and causing chaos for an entire fic.-It was Ham’s turn to place a card. He looked over the top of his remaining two Uno cards, eyes narrowing menacingly. Then, he made the unconventional Uno play of placing both cards face down on the table in front of him and away from the pile.“I have an announcement,” he declared, levelling his gaze on Noir. “I want you all to know I consider Noir my Nemesis. My arch rival. I will stop at nothing until I prevail and he is defeated.”“I noticed,” Noir said.
Relationships: Peter Benjamin Parker & Peter Porker, Peter Benjamin Parker/Peter Porker
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	What do you mean ruining your life isn't flirting?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prohibitionspiderman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prohibitionspiderman/gifts).



> Dedicated to Noir, my partner in the creation of the uno-verse (We get co-custody of the Verse) as referenced here by the death card, and seen some of their incredible fics.

It was a calm day in Miles’ New York. Gwen was helping him study. Unfortunately for them, they had made the fatal error of mentioning this in the Spidergang group chat, or the SpiderChat according to Peter B so naturally everyone was there, distracting Miles’ and Gwen from his history homework with their commentary over the game of Uno being played.

It was Ham’s turn to place a card. He looked over the top of his remaining two Uno cards, eyes narrowing menacingly. Then, he made the unconventional Uno play of placing both cards face down on the table in front of him and away from the pile.

“I have an announcement,” he declared, levelling his gaze on Noir. “I want you all to know I consider Noir my Nemesis. My arch rival. I will stop at nothing until I prevail and he is defeated.”

“I noticed,” Noir said.

Peni chimed in, still examining her cards, “When you got on the table earlier mid Uno match after he placed a draw two and called him a talentless jerk I figured something was going on.”

“I would like to formally announce,” he continued in an authoritative tone Noir thought he must have considered his announcement voice. Ham would definitely have an announcement voice. “I hate Noir and challenge him to a duel with all Spider-members assembled here today as my witnesses. I’ll see you at dawn, bitch.”

“Can you guys please not duel in my house?” Miles interjected from his spot on the dining table with Gwen. “I’m trying to study and I don’t want to fail.”

“Does it look like dawn to you, flesh-haver?”

“Flesh-haver?”

“One who has or is made of flesh.”

“What do you think you’re made of, Ham?”

“Pig.”

“Pigs are made of flesh.”

Ham looked horrified.

“Focus.” Gwen, ever the saviour, rescued everyone present from having to hear any more details about Hams dimension. Such as what pigs are made of there. Miles turned back to his papers.

“It’s your move, Ham,” Peni, reminded him.

“You’re right.” He pulled a steal box from his pocket, glaring at Noir. The death card.

“I said no duelling!”

“What?” Ham yelled, indignant. “It’s Uno!”

“No death card in my house!”

It took less than 3 minutes after they’d settled back into Uno (minus the death card which Gwen confiscated) for Ham to stop glaring at Noir, and excuse himself to the bathroom, only to walk towards the kitchen. It took a further 5 minutes for Noir to decide he should check nothing had gone wrong. Getting kidnapped or otherwise inconvenienced by bad guys on a casual Saturday didn’t seem that far out of the realm of possibility for a group of dimension hopping spider-people. He told Peni and Peter B he’d be back and went to the kitchen to check on Ham.

Ham was not in the kitchen. What was in the kitchen, was an elaborate cartoon booby-trap that no care had been taken to even attempt to hide. As baffling as it was to walk in on that Noir definitely thought Ham must have put a lot of effort into it, so with the help of the acrobatic abilities that come with being Spiderman he avoided triggering it, leaving through the other kitchen door without having triggered the trap. He returned to the Uno match with Ham still nowhere to be found. He was found in less than 30 seconds when crashing was heard from the kitchen and Ham emerged, furious.

“You bastard,” Ham declared, dripping with… Was that tea? Noir asked him as much. Ham scoffed. “Yes. Tea. You’re always drinking it. What better way to target you than by turning the thing you love most against you?”

Noir looked at him curiously. “So that… set up in the kitchen, was meant to be triggered by me?” he asked.

“ _Obviously._ ”

Noir just stared, dumbfounded at his recently declared nemesis and cartoon pig standing in front of him. “Sorry?”

\--

Ham’s next move came when Noir would least expect it. Behind his fridge door at 3am.

Noir pulled himself out of bed, feet falling to the floor and resigned himself to another restless night. He went to the kitchen, dragging his feet and rubbing his eyes. He didn’t bother flicking on the light as he opened the fridge door, grabbing the milk. He let the door fall shut, revealing Ham.

Ham was hung upside down from the ceiling by a web, eyelevel with Noir glaring at him. Noir didn’t move, eyes still half closed. Ham didn’t speak so Noir broke the standoff.

“Ham. Hi, buddy.”

“What are your weaknesses?”

Noir, not sure what Ham would constitute as a weakness but not caring to clarify in favour of getting back to sitting in silence in a dark room not sleeping said, “I’ve never really liked when people make coffee with cream instead of milk. goodnight.”

“Wait. You were making coffee. No? Allow me.” Ham sad, clearly intending to use cream.

Noir paused, deciding not having to move while Ham made his coffee was worth having cream. And Ham did seem to enjoy inconveniencing him. “Sure.”

The cream wasn’t as bad as he remembered. Ham watched him with rapt attention as he took the first sip. Ham continued to stare, before leaning back, glare returning.

“You liar.”

“I am?”

“The cream didn’t kill you.”

“Oh. The coffee.”

“Yes. _The coffee_ ,” He said sarcastically. “In the name of Pig. I’ll get you for this.”

“The name of…. Pig?”

“Yeah. Pig. With a capital P. You know, all knowing guy, lives in the clouds, doesn’t actually exist. Made pigkind in his image.”

Noir was still for a moment, attempting to process even a single word of what Ham had said. “You know what? Forget I asked.” 3am was not the time to be considering anything about Ham’s dimension.

“Got any other weaknesses I can try?” Ham asked.

Noir glanced at his mug, thinking. “You know how you can get hit really hard and be fine?” Ham leaned in, listening intently. “I cant.”

Ham wasted no time in implementing this new knowledge by slapping Noir across the face.

\--

“Why is noir holding ice on his face?”

“He’s weak.” Gwen gave Ham a strange look. "Oh, and Gwen if that’s for Noir, he loves cream in his coffee."

\--

Late afternoon in Peni’s dimension, Noir was reading and Ham had disappeared to the bathroom for a suspiciously long time. Peni returned from having gone to check on him.

“Ham’s trying to frame you for murder. He swore me to secrecy.”

“I know. He did the schematics in my closet.” He sighed, putting his book down. “Better see how he’s going.” He walked to the bathroom door, opening it to find Ham in a pile of (hopefully) fake blood, clutching the upper half of a manikin, which had a $9.99 sticker still on its head.

“How could you?” Ham sobbed over the doll.

Noir looked on in interest for a few seconds, wondering if there was a phase two of this plan. Ham continued his theatrics but didn’t appear to have further steps.

“Next time,” Noir told him, “You should try taking the sticker off your fake body,” He finished, shutting the door, and moving back to his spot.

“How’d it go?” Peni asked conversationally.

“Pretty standard.” Noir told her, sitting back down.

Ham emerged from the bathroom a few moments later, oddly blood free. “How did you know?” Ham said.

“The plan was in my house.”

“Exactly,” he exclaimed, “How could you possibly realise? Reverse psychology.”

Ham has never once, in Noir’s experience, accepted an obvious answer. “You’re right. I had a hunch.”

“Thirties detectives…” Ham cursed under his breath.

“You’re cleaning up the blood,” Peni told him.

\--

Noir was an insomniac. This was demonstrated by the way he sat, completely awake, on his couch at 5am, staring at the wall. He could see his shadow against the soft city light coming in the window. He could also see the unmistakably cartoon-pig-holding-a-knife-like shadow rising up next to his own form behind the couch. He sighed. Ham dropped the knife from its raised menacing position.

“What? No ‘Hi, Ham’ that I respond to by insulting you?” At Noir’s silence, Ham continued, “You know what always cheers me up?” Noir didn’t answer. Ham huffed but went on, “Fighting bad guys! You still have Nazis in this dimension right?”

Noir didn’t respond. Unless you count sighing _again_ (and he calls Ham dramatic) and letting his head fall onto his knees a response.

“Oh I get it. You _don’t_ wanna punch Nazis with me? Really that’s fine. I just thought we were friends is all.”

“You tried to frame me for murder in Peni’s dimension,” Noir responded, sounding muffled as he didn’t move his head.

“Clearly that my way of showing comradery.”

“You also slapped me.”

“It was a loving tap!”

“You planning on giving the Nazi’s any loving taps?”

“Obviously not. _They_ aren’t my friends. Also I have a gun.”

Noir scoffed, “Alright, Porkchop, lets do it.” He looked up, smiling slightly.

“ _Never_ call me Porkchop again.”


End file.
